Saturday, July 21, 2012

I blame it partly on the hormones...

I just spent the last hour bawling. I partially blame it on the hormones. I partially blame it on being off my happy pills. I blame it mostly on my brain dwelling on things that I have no control over.


My aunt posted on one of my cousin's Facebook pictures today. It was a picture of her daughter. She said something along the lines of "I haven't told you lately but you are a good mother and I am proud of you and I love you."


It hurt because I can't remember the last time my mother told me that she loved me or that she was proud of me. I don't recall her ever saying that I am am/was a good mother. 


I am 34 and was bawling over not getting any validation from my mother. How sad is that?


We're going through a rough patch, she and I. She doesn't like my fiance at all. He is not welcome in her home any longer. 


I think about the upcoming holidays and it breaks my heart. I have never not spent a holiday with my mother, not even when she briefly lived in North Carolina and I was still here in Delaware. How can I go over to her home to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas and leave him here alone? I can't. I feel like if he is not welcome there then perhaps that I shouldn't be. Yet the part of me that has always strived to please her is sick in side that if I don't go to her house she will hate me.


I called her to tell her that I was pregnant before I told the whole world on Facebook or any of my friends. I said, "What would you say if I told you that you are going to be a grandmother again?" She heaved a big sigh and said, "No comment."


No matter if she hates my fiance, the child is part of me and doesn't deserve that. I have a feeling that when I go into the hospital to give birth she will not show up simply because Bruce will be there. I don't even know if I am going to have someone to watch my daughter while I am in labor. 


I have resigned myself to the fact that I might have to get one of my friends to watch Sabrina during my labor. I have resigned myself to the fact that we may just have to take a cab to bring the new baby home.


It hurts and I am tired of crying about it.


I apologize if I seem whiny but I really needed to get this out. I hope when I wake up tomorrow things will seem better.