On New Year's Eve, I found a rubber band in the doorway of my room. It was an ordinary one, thin and that pale beige color that's so common. I don't know how long it was sitting there, unnoticed, but I immediately smiled and got up to get it. Just in time too, as housekeeping had come along soon after to sweep and mop the floor.
You're probably wondering why I just didn't let them sweep it away. Would you believe that there is a sentimental reason behind a simple rubber band? Let me tell you about it.
When I was 18, I fell in love for real for the first time. His name was Lenny, and he was a few years older than me. To me, he was perfect. Attractive and ambitious, I met him in a retail store where we both worked. He worked there part time while going to college full time, majoring in music education. He was also a drummer in the university marching band. I was freshly graduated from high school and unsure of what I wanted to do in life.
He was friendly and outgoing and made friends wherever he went, but when approaching me to ask me out he was shy and quiet. It was his smile and earnestness that made me say yes. His smile was warm and infectious with a just a hint of mischief. Even now, thinking of his smile makes me sigh and smile myself.
We dated for two years, two years full of ups and downs and obstacles. I don't remember all the reasons why we broke up, and the ones I do remember will stay private. What I do know is that my heart was broken. My first real true love. My first real heartbreak.
We eventually reconnected and maintained an occasional friendship. Facebook, which can be such a good and terrible place at the same time kept us connected and informed about each other's lives. I can still see his comments on Facebook memories from time to time.
I mentioned that he was a drummer. Well one thing he always had was a wrist full of rubber bands. It was a constant, and when I asked him about them he would just smile that smile and say, “It's a drummer thing. “
Even throughout other relationships, I felt deep down that we might get back together one day. I felt like that right up until the day he passed away in March of 2017. He was 46 and died of diabetic complications affecting his heart after a procedure.
One thing I will always regret is not going to his memorial service to say goodbye. Unfortunately, the person I was in a relationship with at the time wouldn't allow me to go and I wasn't strong enough at that time to defy him. His comments and insults made me walk on eggshells and I didn't want to rock the boat.
Fast forward a few months to the end of that relationship and myself and my kids moving to Philadelphia. I was miserable and at a dark point in my life when one day i thought of Lenny. I would say that he was a spiritual man, but also didn't care who you worshipped. Whether it was Buddha or Odin or Allah or a mysterious higher power, he just wanted you to pray. Or more accurate, to P.U.S.H. Pray Until Something Happens.
I started praying, a lot. Several times a day asking for an omen or a sign to point me in the right direction to pull myself together. A few days later, I was walking back to the house after walking my kids to school and right on the sidewalk, I saw a rubber band. I smiled a rare smile and picked it up and put it on my wrist and didn't think any more about it.
Until the next day, and the next rubber band. And the next. And the next. I soon had quite the collection and even the kids were spotting them on our walks. Sure, they could have been there the whole time, but who really knows?
I took it as a sign of sorts from Lenny. A sign of him saying hello and reminding me to keep PUSHing. I took steps to get myself together and didn't look back.
Now, when the end of my most recent obstacle (my surgery and long tecovery) is coming to an end, I find myself reflecting and having to make decisions and plans. I'm a little scared and uncertain about where I'm going or where I'll end up. I'm mentally in a better place this time around but I smiled and got teary eyed when I found that rubber band on New Year's Eve.
I still pray, and I will continue praying and try to have more faith in myself that I'm making the right choices. It may be silly but I feel the rubber band was another sign. A sign from a friend checking in and letting me know that things will be OK.
I love and miss you, Lenny. Message received.
