Saturday, August 25, 2012

Baby Update


I had my echocardiogram last week and while the tech could not give me the results she assured me that it didn’t show anything serious. It was quite the relief for me. She also assured me that if there had been a problem with me becoming pregnant that Dr. A, my cardiologist, would have went over the risks with me at my appointment last year.

I am 23, almost 24, weeks along. I saw Dr. M, the fetal/maternal medicine specialist this week and she says that everything is coming along beautifully. The baby had a good heart beat and his bone size and thyroid measure normally. They check the thyroid because I have a thyroid problem and am on medication for it. They did say he was a bit chunky, but it was nothing to be concerned about at this time. He weighs a pound and a half when he should be closer to a pound. Since then, Bruce and I refer to him as Chunkadunk or Chunk.

Last night I sprawled out on the recliner to ease some of the ache in my back and Chunk decided to kick me. It was the first time (with him) that I saw my belly actually move. He is so much more active than Sabrina ever was. When I used to go to ultrasounds for her, they would have me drink a soda before my appointment to make sure she would be moving for them. Chunk is constantly moving and they have difficulty getting all of their measurements.

My sleeping patterns are horrible. I wake up a million times a night to change position or to go pee. I get cramps in my hip, roll over and go back to sleep only to wake up an hour later to a cramp in the other side. I have really vivid and sometimes creepy dreams. I have “hot flashes” where I will get so warm I throw off my covers because I am so hot and sweaty and then go back to sleep and then an hour later wake up because I am freezing.

The cravings. I have been putting hot sauce on EVERYTHING. French fries, chicken, even meatballs. The other night I almost put hot sauce in my pasta sauce. I normally crave some hot wings every once in a while and then avoid extremely spicy foods but I guess Chunk likes spicy so that’s all I want to eat.

I have always been a big woman and now I am huge. I don’t do baby bump pictures. I don’t like showing my body off like that. It’s huge, what is there really to see? My stomach gets into the room before I do and I’ve started walking like a duck. When I sit in a chair I have to sit back a little. Chunk is low, I mean REALLY low, and if I lean forward it feels like everything is pulling down.

We’ve explained to Sabrina that even though she “wants a girl person” that there is a little boy coming and there is nothing we can do to change it. She’ll rub my belly once in a while, and she likes to blow raspberries on my belly to “wake up” the baby. I think she is going to be a really good big sister. She is already talking about wiping the baby’s butt and sharing her toys.

I am keeping all of my appointments, taking all my medications, and doing everything I can to make sure that Chunk comes out healthy. I have another glucose intolerance test coming up in a few weeks and of course my bi-weekly ultrasounds. I can’t wait to meet my chunky little guy.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Oh, I forgot to update...

I finally had my appointment with the maternal/fetal medicine specialist. I had an ultrasound before even talking to the doctor. My little baby was squirming all over the place and was giving the ultrasound tech such a hard time. Baby just would not hold still for pictures or give her a chance to determine the sex. I thought for sure I would go another month (at least) not knowing if my baby was a boy or a girl.

She kept at it for almost an hour, but she finally crowed "Got it! It's a boy!"

I almost cried. Bruce and I were hoping for a boy. This is going to be my second and last baby and I was hoping to have one of each. Sabrina kept telling me "I want a girl person." but she is just going to have to be disappointed. Such is life, kiddo!

The doctor, Dr. M, was very nice, if a little bit cold. I know it's her job to point out the risks and possible complications but I feel that she could have maybe said some of them a little more gently. 

Some people ask me why I am stopping at two. Without getting into too much detail right now, I just have a history of health problems that make me a high risk pregnancy. This baby in particular could possibly have a more higher risk than I had with Sabrina. I have to undergo a few more tests before I want to discuss it. 

I am not going to dwell on the possible bad. I am going to focus on the happy, joyous time of having a boy. I am going to concentrate on all of the lovely kicking I have been feeling recently. I like to joke that he is a ninja. He's very quiet and still and then out of nowhere comes a flurry of kicks. 

Thanks to all of my friends that have been so supportive to me. It's been really hard not being able to depend on my mother at such an exciting time, but you guys have really made me feel loved and cared about. Thank you.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

I blame it partly on the hormones...

I just spent the last hour bawling. I partially blame it on the hormones. I partially blame it on being off my happy pills. I blame it mostly on my brain dwelling on things that I have no control over.


My aunt posted on one of my cousin's Facebook pictures today. It was a picture of her daughter. She said something along the lines of "I haven't told you lately but you are a good mother and I am proud of you and I love you."


It hurt because I can't remember the last time my mother told me that she loved me or that she was proud of me. I don't recall her ever saying that I am am/was a good mother. 


I am 34 and was bawling over not getting any validation from my mother. How sad is that?


We're going through a rough patch, she and I. She doesn't like my fiance at all. He is not welcome in her home any longer. 


I think about the upcoming holidays and it breaks my heart. I have never not spent a holiday with my mother, not even when she briefly lived in North Carolina and I was still here in Delaware. How can I go over to her home to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas and leave him here alone? I can't. I feel like if he is not welcome there then perhaps that I shouldn't be. Yet the part of me that has always strived to please her is sick in side that if I don't go to her house she will hate me.


I called her to tell her that I was pregnant before I told the whole world on Facebook or any of my friends. I said, "What would you say if I told you that you are going to be a grandmother again?" She heaved a big sigh and said, "No comment."


No matter if she hates my fiance, the child is part of me and doesn't deserve that. I have a feeling that when I go into the hospital to give birth she will not show up simply because Bruce will be there. I don't even know if I am going to have someone to watch my daughter while I am in labor. 


I have resigned myself to the fact that I might have to get one of my friends to watch Sabrina during my labor. I have resigned myself to the fact that we may just have to take a cab to bring the new baby home.


It hurts and I am tired of crying about it.


I apologize if I seem whiny but I really needed to get this out. I hope when I wake up tomorrow things will seem better.



Tuesday, June 5, 2012

I'm Back!

I apologize for disappearing. Things have just been up and down and busy since I found out about the baby. I have so many appointments and doctors to see it's mind boggling. I carry a binder with me whenever I leave the house now because I forget things. Some of the websites call it "pregnancy brain" I call it busy mommy syndrome. 


So Dr. D, the endocrinologist confirmed that I do have Vitamin D deficiency. He started me on Vitamin D pills (vitamins, duh) once a day. He wanted to treat me more aggressively but he can't because of the little bean in my uterus. I've been on them for about two weeks now, and feel no changes in the numbness in my hands.


A lot of my other symptoms have resolved, and before I started the Vitamin D. This makes me wonder what was going on. I think it may be possible that IF it is MS, then I had a flare up of symptoms and it is over. Just because my thyroid is messed up, and my vitamin D level is messed up, doesn't mean I am going to stop pursuing what is wrong with me. I fully intend to keep on after my doctor's. If this means I have to wait for the symptoms to return, or to demand an MRI after the baby is born, I am content with that. 


Once I make some phone calls later this afternoon, I will be under the care of six different physicians. If one of them can figure out what is wrong with my body, I will be happy. I'll be seeing my primary care doc, fetal-maternal medicine doc (for high risk pregnancies), my regular OBGYN,  my endocrinologist, my cardiologist, and soon my hematologist. The worst part about having all these appointments is not having a car. I spend a lot of time walking to bus stops, riding the bus, then waiting for the bus after my appointment. 


That's life. Maybe one day we will be able to afford a car. I consider us blessed that I can afford to ride the bus and don't have to walk everywhere that I have to go. The one good thing about the bus rides and waiting at bus stops is that with my binder in hand, I always keep extra paper so I can jot down notes on the new book(s?).


I only have three chapters down but it's my goal to have at least three more done by Friday. The book isn't going to write itself. I intend to post more here as well. It's therapeutic for me in a way. I can get out a lot of my thoughts without burdening my friends with a book length conversation.


The other things going on with me are emotional. I stopped my antidepressant, due to being pregnant, and that combined with hormones have been making me extra emotional at times. My mood swings are horrendous. Some days, EVERY little thing angers me. Other days, I spend a lot of time crying over stupid things. Some such things being some of my friends.


It has come to my attention that some of my friends and I are not as close as we used to be. Because I have a child, and another on the way, I can't hang out and party like I used to be able to. This has affected some of my friendships. Lately I find myself angered that I am not invited to a party or a get together. I want to rage at them that just because I can't drink doesn't mean that I can't hang out and have a good time.


One night I was feeling particularly down so I started posting some of my feelings on Facebook. I didn't name any names, I just made several comments about how I was feeling and how I was being treated by certain people. Several of my friends called or texted just to see what was up. The ones that I was really looking forward to hearing from never contacted me. I guess that is all the proof I need that it is time to let them go.


It hurts because these are people that I considered to be part of my family. I guess it's true what they say, people come in your life for a certain amount of time. You learn from them and then at some point some of them move on. Some stay.


I really cherish the ones that have stayed. They mean way more to me than they will ever know.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Update

I haven't written in a few days cause I have been so busy. I saw my primary care doctor who did a urine test in her office which confirmed that I am, indeed, pregnant. She also sent me for lab work. She gave me a prescription for prenatal vitamins and instead of Lovenox she put me on Enoxaparin injections which is a generic heparin. I have to take FOUR shots per day. They are painful and the bruises are huge. 


This past Wednesday I saw my OBGYN. My official due date is December 19th. I know they will most likely induce me the week before. This is to control the level of the thinning of my blood. I am not looking forward to the pain but you do what you have to do.


I also had my long awaited appointment with the endocrinologist. He is going to keep me on the Synthroid. He agrees with me that my symptoms are most likely not thyroid. While he was not willing to diagnose me with MS, he said that it is possible that I have Vitamin D deficiency. He wants to rule that out before he moves on to anything else so he is sending me for several labs. He is checking several different thyroid labs, hormone levels, renal function, calcium, and magnesium levels. He'll be seeing me in the office again on Monday. 


Altogether I have like 15 blood labs and 2 urine tests to do tomorrow. I am going to be a pin cushion by December. 


I have to also make an appointment with my cardiologist and a fetal-maternal medicine specialist.  Apparently the fact that I am 34 is a risk factor as well as my medical history. That's fine with me, I will do whatever they need me to do to keep me and the baby healthy. I have occasional nausea that comes and goes but luckily no vomiting as of yet. My heartburn has been crazy. I mean, I got heartburn from pretzels and a glass of water.


The best thing about all of these appointments and all the bus rides is that I take my little notebook with me and scribble away notes for my new book. I got one more chapter done, and some pretty fleshed out ideas for at least the next three. I am really excited about this story. I've been going to bed earlier at night because I am so tired by the ending of the day so it has cut into my writing time a bit. It's okay though because when Bruce has his days off he doesn't mind if I sit for an hour or two and just type away.


I'll write more later, but here are some pictures:


My Prenatal Vitamin

Two Orange shots and Two black shots a day

Bruising from my injections

The little bean's first picture!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Exciting News!


That's right, two lines mean a new addition to the family! I am excited, anxious, happy, and sad all at once. This wasn't a planned pregnancy exactly, but I am going to just go with the flow. We are hoping for a boy but as long as it is a healthy baby with ten fingers and ten toes and everything in all the right places we will take whatever we are blessed with. Who am I kidding, even if there were something wrong, we will take the baby and go with the flow.

I was so nervous when I took the test on Saturday. No idea why because it's not like it's the first test I have ever taken. My hands were shaking so bad I almost spilled the sample. Then as I watched the two lines popped up, and after three minutes it was positive! My first reaction was to cry. My second was to just sit on the edge of the tub staring at it.

I finally composed myself and went out into the living room and told Bruce to go take a look for himself. He calls from the bathroom "Are two lines good or bad?" I had to laugh cause I left the box right next to the test.

We're happy with a new baby coming, even though there are some family members that may not be. It is what it is, I am not able to ask for a refund or send it back. They will either accept it or not and that is their choice. 

I will be a high risk pregnancy. This is no news to me because I was a high risk pregnancy with Sabrina. I have several medical conditions that will need to be monitored. I will have to see a high risk OBGYN. Whatever I have to do, I will do it. This include the shots of Lovenox (a blood thinner) four times a day. They are painful and leave horrific bruises but a healthy baby and a healthy mommy is worth it. 

I already had my first massive headache from the caffeine withdrawal but I made it through. I didn't have any nausea or vomiting with Sabrina, but so far every day in the middle of the afternoon I have been getting nauseated. No vomiting yet (knock on wood) so that is good at least. Maybe since this pregnancy has been different it means a boy? Wishful thinking, I know. 

Sabrina is the cutest. We told her that there is a baby in my belly and that it should come out around Christmas time. She likes pretzels as one of her snacks and yesterday she brought me some and said, "Mommy, baby eat some pretz." She is so cute and is going to make an amazing big sister.

*  *  *  *  *  *  

The day I found out I was pregnant I also knocked out the first two chapters of my new book. Since then things have been a little crazy but I plan to get at least one more chapter knocked out today. I made one minor change to my outline as I was going along and the rest just flowed out of me.

Off to get some writing done and trying not to crack my face from smiling so much. I have so many exciting things going on!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Friendship

I was wondering if anyone else has gone through the same types of things with their friends that I do with mine. Do you ever have friends who treat you like you are a friend of convenience? For example, when their lives aren't going as perfectly as they would like you hear from them every single day. Phone calls, texts, emails, and IMs, all to talk about their problems.


Of course you sit and listen because that is what friends do. You offer advice. You tell them about your own experiences with a similar situation. Then things start going well for your friend and they just disappear. The phone calls, texts, etc. just drop off until they dwindle into nothing. Your texts or calls to them go un-returned. Finally you give up trying, but then the next crisis pops up in their life and they are right back being your best friend. What do you do in this situation? Go ahead and act like nothing is wrong? 


Then there are your friends who are your best buddy when they are single, but then when they get a man (or a woman, I have had male friends do this as well) in their lives, it suddenly becomes all about their significant other. I know how it feels to be involved in that all consuming love, especially at the beginning, but do you drop your friends because of it? You may not hear anything from this person for weeks or months at a time, but let them have a fight with their significant other and you are their best buddy again.


I am not the type of person who needs their friends up their ass 24/7. I understand everyone has their own life and their own things going on. I just don't appreciate being told that I am like family to them, and then they just drop out of my life for months at a time or avoid me. If I am taking the time to text you or email you or even dropping you a message on Facebook to ask how you are doing, the least you can do is reply. Don't only contact me when your life is going to shit or you simply want something from me. That is not a friendship.


Have any of you readers gone through something similar? How did you handle it? Suggestions and advice are appreciated. I like all comments-good, bad, or ugly.


*  *  *  *  *  *

Health Update: I saw Dr. SG yesterday. My chest x-ray showed no pneumonia but showed pulmonary hypertension. I am already being treated for that by my cardiologist. She still thinks all my other problems are my thyroid. Rather than getting upset about it, or crying about it, or having my head explode in frustration, I have decided to just be patient. I am already scheduled to see the endocrinologist on May 9th, which is a little over two weeks away. I am going to see what he has to say and go from there. I am going to do my best to not stress myself out until there is something definite to stress about.

*  *  *  *  *  *

Writing Update: I have my character names picked out, and I did a little work on some character back story. I needed to understand why certain characters had such and intense hatred for each other and now that I got it figured out, I can start writing the book. Such a simple thing was holding me back from getting started. I'm relieved I figured it out.

As I said, comments are always welcome.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

It's MY blog and I'll whine if I want to

I took a few days off from blogging because I felt like I was whining too much. Then I really thought about it and you know what? It's MY blog and if I want to whine I will whine. People don't have to read it.


I feel like some people get offended when they ask how I am feeling and I tell them that I feel like crap. I try to be positive. I try not to complain about how tired I am or how lousy I feel. There are just some days that I don't feel like plastering a smile on my face and saying I am fine when I am not.


The weather is getting warmer here and it's affecting how I am feeling. If I get too warm, my fatigue level goes through the roof. My hands feel more uncoordinated. My arms and legs feel heavy. It affects my concentration as well. 


I tried so hard to go without putting the air conditioning on today. I made it to 6:30pm before I gave in and turned it on. I just couldn't seem to catch my breath. I put my head down on my desk for a second and promptly fell asleep. Luckily it was less than five minutes. 


I think the shower I took last night was too hot as well. My arms were ultra heavy, and this time around I had jelly legs. When I finished I had to sit on the edge of the tub to catch my breath. I got out of the bathroom into the cool living room and chugged down some cold iced tea. 


I am so tired of this. I just want to be normal again.


I see the doctor again on Monday for a follow up of my chest x-ray. (See previous entry...the follow up makes no sense.) I am bringing in a list of my symptoms that these doctors are going to scan into my chart. Maybe seeing the list in black and white will make them finally listen to me.


*  *  *  *  *  *

I got the outline done for my new book. Once I get my character names and a mini family tree sorted out, I will be ready to write. It should have already been done, but as I said above, my concentration and focus have been shot the past couple of days.

It's pouring down rain outside and the temperature has already dropped so hopefully tomorrow I will be comfortable and able to concentrate. I will be extremely happy to get started. Maybe it can distract me from everything else.

"Writing is the best way to talk without being interrupted." ~ Jules Renard

Friday, April 13, 2012

Inspiration

Lately I have been inspired mostly by music, but I must admit I am inspired by art as well. My new book is going to be about fairies. Yes, the beautiful winged creatures. I know some people would shake their heads at that but that's their opinion.


I love fairy art works and even own a few prints and posters. Amy Brown, Anne Stokes, Selina Fenech....the list goes on and on.


I do want to put a link here:  http://selinafenech.com/selinas-books/fairy-art-books/

This is Selina's newest art book, and as you can see from the cover, not all of it is fairies. She does really beautiful work.


The song that is currently inspiring me is "Close Your Eyes" by Christophe Beck. It captures one of the emotions I was looking for and I have it on repeat at the moment. I change up my music depending on the tone of the scene I want to write. This song just moves me. Bonus points to whoever remembers the TV show this was used in. 


I have a few more things to add to my outline today and then I can start Chapter One. I hope to finish the chapter today. Mini goal for myself. I should probably get to it. 


Tell me, what inspires you? Music? Art? Photographs? Let me know in the comments. 

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Tired But Inspired

I had an appointment on Thursday with one of my primary care doctors. I saw Dr. SG this time around. First, I got some antibiotics and a chest x-ray for my cough. I don't have pneumonia or anything so that was a good thing. 


I tried to discuss my numbness problems with her but she didn't seem to want to hear what I had to say. She said that her opinion is to stay on the medication for a while longer, despite the fact that she confirmed that it only takes 4-6 weeks to get into your system. (Yesterday was five weeks.) I really don't believe that in one more week everything is going to mysteriously just go away.


I told her that based upon all of the research I have done my symptoms are spot on with MS. The look on her face was priceless. You would think that I had suddenly sprung three heads. She said,"Well, MS is VERY hard to diagnose." I told her I knew that from what I had read. I told her that I know that we have to rule out other things along the way. She just smiled at me like I was a child and said, "I think you should stay on the medication for a bit longer. It's not like MS is an emergency diagnosis. If you do have it, it is not going to go away."


Sure, it is not an emergency to her, but she doesn't live with what I do everyday. She didn't almost drop four or five eggs while dying them with her daughter because her grip is bad because of the numbness in her hands. She isn't afraid to take a shower while her fiance isn't home, just in case she gets weak from the heat and falls down in the bathroom. She doesn't have to shower with the door unlocked. She doesn't have to worry that if she takes her daughter to the park on a warm day that she will get too weak to walk home.


She wants me to follow up in regards to my cough in 1-2 weeks. A cough. A cough is the least of my worries and if it isn't gone in a week I am surely not going to wait two to be seen.


I think the best thing to do at this point is to call tomorrow and make an appointment with Dr. SH. At the very least, he listened to what I had to say, noted everything in my chart, and didn't make me feel stupid. She didn't write down any of my new symptoms.


On a slightly brighter note, I lost five pounds in a month. I am on the right track in that department at least.


*  *  *  *  *  *

I found a song last night that just opened up the flood gates of inspiration. I played it over and over and the ideas just flowed out of me. I love that music can do that for me. 

I am used to writing thriller/mystery type stories but this idea will be a young adult book. It has the possibility to be three books if I write it the right way. I am a little nervous about writing a young adult book as I know there are several things I have to tone down. The profanity for one. I have such a potty mouth sometimes and it sometimes leaks into my writing. 

Luckily I have my friend Stayc who has volunteered to be my test subject on this book (books?). She is amazing when it comes to pointing out things that I might have missed and even some grammar mistakes and spelling. She also isn't afraid to tell me when something isn't believable or if a character seems a little flat. I love that I can trust her to tell me the truth and not sugarcoat it just cause she doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

I am almost finished my outline. I am off to play my song a few more times, get the outline done, and possibly start the first chapter. I am really excited and inspired.

Happy Easter!

Friday, April 6, 2012

Fun with My Daughter

I went to the doctor yesterday. I am not too happy with what happened but I don't want to write about it today.


I love my daughter. Sabrina is becoming a beautiful, sassy, smart, opinionated little girl. She is getting much better with talking and we practice numbers and words every day. She loves to draw and she loves doing anything crafty with me. It pleases me because I love doing new projects and used to love doing arty things with my mother and now she is doing the same with me.


Today we dyed Easter eggs. Granted this is not such a major undertaking but after we colored them we decorated them. We got out a marker, glue dots, and glitter and had a grand old time.


Her smile and enthusiasm make me smile and forget that I am not feeling very well these days. When all the work on the eggs were done, my hands were more numb than usual, but it was all worth it. 


We had a good day. I hope we have many more to come.


Before decorating

Froggy

Glittery dots
The smile that makes me keep going.

Friday, March 30, 2012

One Step Closer

I find the answers aren't so clear
Wish I could find a way to disappear
All these thoughts they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Nothing seems to go away
Over and over again
~~"One Step Closer" by Linkin Park

I didn't post anything yesterday cause I felt so crappy. My arms were more than numb yesterday, they were actually achy.

Every morning when I wake up I lay there thinking, "Will I feel normal today? Will the numbness be gone today?" It is never gone. It is always there. I have forgotten what normal feels like. The only thing that has gotten better is the pain in my eye. It's still blurry but not that painful anymore.

You women know when you are in the shower and you lift up your leg to shave it or wash it and set your foot on the edge of the tub? I can't do that with my right leg anymore. I braved taking a shower last night while home by myself (well with Sabrina). I left the door open and the cell phone on top of the lowered toilet lid just in case. Of course the heat of the hot water made my body numbness worse. In my right hand it was bad to the point that I couldn't feel my pinky at all. Anyway, when I put my leg up on the tub to shave, it got all shaky and almost slipped off tub. Not good. Looks like I will be sitting on the edge of the tub to shave my legs from now on. TMI? Maybe.

As usual, the numbness went back to the "normal" numbness within an hour of getting out of the shower. It's crazy to me that any level of numbness can be considered normal.

The creepy crawly and "wet" sensations continue. Day before yesterday I felt like I had spilled water down my left leg but of course I hadn't. Today I have this crawling bug feeling in my left ankle. I keep having to reach down and rub my skin because I can't get myself to believe it's not a bug.

Tomorrow will be four weeks on the Synthroid and while my thyroid needs to be medicated, it has become clear to me that the thyroid is not the cause of the numbness, fatigue, and blurry vision. If something miraculously doesn't get better over the weekend I am calling the doctor first thing Monday morning for an appointment.

I can't continue like this. Feeling like this for two months with no resolution is wearing on my nerves. It is making me more depressed and anxious and I hate it. It makes me very intolerant of the dumbness of other people. It makes me feel like little things that bother me are HUGE dramatic problems. I know now why some people with chronic illnesses commit suicide, because you just get so tired of feeling so badly.

I would never do that to Bruce, my daughter, my family, and my friends. I am already on an anti-depressant, and plan on asking the doctor for an increase in my dose until all of this gets under control. I cry a lot, mostly when Sabrina is asleep and Bruce is at work or I am in the shower. I just feel so low. I feel like there is no end in sight.

Thanks to all of my friends who check up on me. I appreciate all of the well wishes and prayers. I am trying not to burden everyone with the everyday "poor me" feelings so that's one of the reasons I come here. If I get it all out here, I am not laying it on anyone else.

Come Monday, I will hopefully have an appointment with Dr. H and I can get this taken care of once and for all.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Something New Everyday


Yesterday I was feeling a bit light headed but I didn't pay it any mind because I was sitting down at the time. Later in the evening I was going down the hall to talk to Bruce and almost fell into the wall. A few minutes later I went down the hall to the bedroom to get him a towel for his shower and almost fell again. Luckily I caught myself on the door frame.

I hate this not knowing what is going on with my body. I am so scared that if I do indeed have MS that something will happen with my legs while I am the only one home with Sabrina. Luckily she is a growing girl and not a infant, so I know she can help me get to the phone or something in an emergency.

I only shower now when Bruce is home because the hot water makes the numbness in my arms and face worse. I leave the door unlocked so if anything happens he can get in there to help me. It's scary having to do these things to ensure my safety and that of my daughter.

Tonight, I ate dinner and then fell asleep in the recliner for almost four hours. I am still exhausted. If I hadn't gotten up to play around on Facebook I would probably have went right back to sleep. This is getting frustrating.

As of Saturday I will have been on the Synthroid for 4 weeks. If I don't have any relief to any of my symptoms by then I am calling my doctor on Monday to get an appointment and demanding he start looking at something other than my thyroid. Once I know for sure what is going on with me I can deal with it and the treatment that goes with it.

* * * * * *

The research on my new novel is coming along nicely. I should be able to take the next few days to plot out my characters and outline the plot. I'm still pretty excited about it. It would fulfill a dream to get it published even if it doesn't make a ton of money. I smile when I think about holding a book in my hand with my name on the cover.

My friends Stayc and Joe motivate me every single day, so I have to give them a huge thank you. They push me to write even when I want to slack off.

* * * * * *

If the weather is nice out tomorrow we are going to take Sabrina to the park so she can play on the playground and she can have a picnic with mommy and daddy. I figure I can take my notebook and get a little work done out in the warmth and the sun while she plays. I'll have to take the camera and get some pictures as well.

Until then.

Monday, March 26, 2012

New Book Idea

I was sitting at my desk thinking about the book that I was planning to write when I was struck completely out of the blue with a new idea. This idea is in the young adult genre which is completely different from what I normally write.

What started out as one little idea soon turned into four pages of notes on my notepad. Additional research provided about six more. I can probably turn this one little idea into a trilogy.

This idea had me so excited that my hands were practically shaking. I stayed up way too late doing research but the lack of sleep was well worth it. I know I am already too tired for the chronic fatigue I have been experiencing lately but I just couldn't stop. I had to force myself to walk away from the desk and computer.

I read over my notes from last night and am getting ready to get back on track. Hopefully today I can get started on characters and outlining the plot.

I am still so excited about this. I can't wipe the grin off my face. Even if these books never get published I will always remember the excitement. Not to mention that now I have a project that can help distract me from my illness, even if it is just for a few hours here and there.

I'll probably post more later.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out.

Last night around 10 p.m. I started having pain in my right eye when I move it. I had this happen before in 2007. I went to the ER then and they told me it was eyestrain. The two days following my eye got progressively worse to the point that I was almost completely blind in that eye.

Out of curiosity, I of course turned to Google again. I found this: http://www.mult-sclerosis.org/opticneuritis.html

The picture at the top on the left is how my eye actually was in 2007. Then it of course got worse. My eye is no where near that bad right now but it scares me that it might go down that road again.

If my eye gets any worse in the slightest way, I am calling my doctor and demanding an MRI. I don't care if is shows anything or not, I need to have some peace of mind. Those creepy crawly sensations were bugging my nose earlier. The first time it freaked me out cause I thought a bug was on my face and going to crawl up my nose. CREEPY!

* * * * * *

Sabrina has had a cold for a couple of days but she finally seems to be on the mend. She still has a cough, and is still sleeping a lot, but she has more energy and her appetite is back. The only good part about her being sick is that she wants a lot of cuddle time. Nothing makes me happier than hugging and cuddling with my little girl.

* * * * * *

I had a nice conversation with my friend Cindy last night. She has always been like a big sister to me and she understands a lot of how I feel about things without me actually having to verbalize them. It was good to just talk to her and get a fresh take on things.

I can't, of course, leave out my friends Joe, Stayc, and Vicki. Joe is always ready with some funny comment or sick, twisted story (which he knows I love) in an attempt to cheer me up. Stayc is my witty Australian friend. She likes to do research for me and she reads my attempts at writing a novel. Her accent when she curses at people never fails to make me laugh. She sounds so bad ass. Vicki is one of my closest friends. She lets me vent to her and never tells me to shut up. She's also the one who introduced me to Bruce.

Part of why I started this blog is to be able to vent and get things off of my chest and not have to pile it all on Bruce or my friends. Part is to motivate myself to write every day. I hope it will kick start my second book. Part is just for me. Part is to maybe help someone else out there who may be going through the same things and know that they are not alone in the world.

Comments, good or bad, are always welcome.

More soon.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Limbo

I am in limbo and it's frustrating and maddening and annoying. It makes me angry and depressed. It makes it hard for me to find joy in the little things.

In the end of January/beginning of February, I noticed this weird numbness traveling from my right foot up to my right hip. It was very sensitive to the touch and if I put anything cold on the numb areas it felt like they were on fire. I assumed I had pinched a nerve until my vision started getting blurry. My first thought, since I am not the healthiest woman, is that it was probably diabetes. I figured if it was diabetes my sugar was so high it was affecting my nerves and my eyesight. I also had pretty horrible fatigue.

I made an appointment with one of the doctors in my primary care office. Dr. NH sent me for some blood work. I was tested for diabetes, thyroid, anemia, and abnormal blood counts. (I also had my coumadin level checked as I am on that for life but that is a different story.) No diabetes, no anemia, no abnormal blood count. My thyroid was slightly abnormal but she didn't feel it was anything to worry about and was going to do a recheck in 6 weeks. Since she told me not to worry about it, I didn't.

The fatigue got worse. Much worse. I could sleep a good six or seven hours, get out of bed, do some things around the house and if I sat down for longer than fifteen minutes I would fall right back asleep. Then the numbness in my hands started. Both hands are stiff, numb, occasionally tingly. I figured it was carpal tunnel syndrome.

March 2nd I went back to the doctor for a one month follow up. By this time my hands and forearms were numb. My entire torso from breasts to waist and around to my back were also numb. It feels almost like I spent a week wearing a shirt five sizes too small and just took it off. When I nod my head forward I get this weird shocking sensation across my lower back and the tops of my feet.

I saw Dr. SH this time. He was really nice and listened to all I had to say. I told him how I had Googled my symptoms and instead of telling me that I was dumb and I shouldn't do that, he said it was good that I was asking questions. I told him that I thought I had MS. He disagreed. He said that looking at my thyroid lab being slightly abnormal that he thought it was the thyroid causing my body to go all crazy. He said that he wanted to treat that first, and if need be, rule that out as a cause of my problems. Rather than go through a ton of expensive testing that might be useless, we were going to try thyroid medication. (Irregardless of anything else, my thyroid is screwed up and needs to be treated.)

The next day I started on Synthroid. The numbness at that point spread up the left side of my neck and behind my ear.

March 5: Numbness spread up both sides of my neck and the bottom edges of both ears.
March 7: Numbness spread down my neck into my shoulders. I can still lift my arms up but they both feel heavy.
March 14: Both ears are almost completely numb. Both sides of my face along my jawline are numb now too.
March 18: My right cheek is almost completely numb and the right corner of my mouth as well. My middle finger and ring finger of my right hand are more numb than usual.

I discovered that hot showers or hot water in general make my hands, arm, and facial numbness worse. They seem to go back to a normal level of numbness about a half hour after my shower.

Today I started feeling a sensation in my arm like I had laid it down on the desk and it was wet. It wasn't and neither was my arm. I keep getting a creepy crawly sensation on my legs like a bug is crawling on me. There is never a bug and it isn't constant.

Everything I keep reading points to MS. My doctor wants to give this medicine time to get fully in my system. As of today I have been on it three weeks and the medicine takes four to six weeks to get to a therapeutic level.

Not one of my symptoms have even slightly changed since starting this medication. This leaves me to believe that I really do have MS or something else.

I am so tired of being tired all the time. This not knowing for sure, not having a 100% sure diagnosis, is driving me crazy. It's making me angry, ultra-sensitive, more depressed. Dr. SH might have to up my happy pill dose. I cry a lot. Usually in the shower or when Bruce isn't home. I don't want him to see how scared and worried I am.

I just want to know once and for all what is wrong with me so I can get to the business of dealing with it. I am tired of being in limbo.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Welcome!

Welcome to my little corner of the world. My name is Jennifer, Jenn to my friends, and I am 34 years old. I am mommy to a beautiful three year old girl named Sabrina. I am engaged to a pretty decent guy named Bruce.

I like to write, and have managed to finish one complete (unpublished) novel. I love to cook, paint, make jewelry, and read. I read a lot. I have a head full of useless knowledge because of it.

I am not perfect and never claimed to be. I do not strive to be either. I just want to be the best daughter, mother, soon-to-be wife, sister, and friend that I can be. Sometimes I fail in those things. Badly, I might add.

Even if no one ever reads this or never even comments, I am going to try my best to write here everyday. I am sure there might even be two or three posts a day at times, depending on my mood or what is going on in my life.

I warn you. Sometimes I curse. Sometimes I express my opinion a little too vocally. I am sure to offend people at some point. If you choose not to read, that is fine. I am writing this for me. If I entertain you or make you laugh or inspire you, please leave a comment. If I piss you off or offend you, feel free to leave a comment too.

I think that is all I have to say for now.