Friday, March 30, 2012

One Step Closer

I find the answers aren't so clear
Wish I could find a way to disappear
All these thoughts they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Nothing seems to go away
Over and over again
~~"One Step Closer" by Linkin Park

I didn't post anything yesterday cause I felt so crappy. My arms were more than numb yesterday, they were actually achy.

Every morning when I wake up I lay there thinking, "Will I feel normal today? Will the numbness be gone today?" It is never gone. It is always there. I have forgotten what normal feels like. The only thing that has gotten better is the pain in my eye. It's still blurry but not that painful anymore.

You women know when you are in the shower and you lift up your leg to shave it or wash it and set your foot on the edge of the tub? I can't do that with my right leg anymore. I braved taking a shower last night while home by myself (well with Sabrina). I left the door open and the cell phone on top of the lowered toilet lid just in case. Of course the heat of the hot water made my body numbness worse. In my right hand it was bad to the point that I couldn't feel my pinky at all. Anyway, when I put my leg up on the tub to shave, it got all shaky and almost slipped off tub. Not good. Looks like I will be sitting on the edge of the tub to shave my legs from now on. TMI? Maybe.

As usual, the numbness went back to the "normal" numbness within an hour of getting out of the shower. It's crazy to me that any level of numbness can be considered normal.

The creepy crawly and "wet" sensations continue. Day before yesterday I felt like I had spilled water down my left leg but of course I hadn't. Today I have this crawling bug feeling in my left ankle. I keep having to reach down and rub my skin because I can't get myself to believe it's not a bug.

Tomorrow will be four weeks on the Synthroid and while my thyroid needs to be medicated, it has become clear to me that the thyroid is not the cause of the numbness, fatigue, and blurry vision. If something miraculously doesn't get better over the weekend I am calling the doctor first thing Monday morning for an appointment.

I can't continue like this. Feeling like this for two months with no resolution is wearing on my nerves. It is making me more depressed and anxious and I hate it. It makes me very intolerant of the dumbness of other people. It makes me feel like little things that bother me are HUGE dramatic problems. I know now why some people with chronic illnesses commit suicide, because you just get so tired of feeling so badly.

I would never do that to Bruce, my daughter, my family, and my friends. I am already on an anti-depressant, and plan on asking the doctor for an increase in my dose until all of this gets under control. I cry a lot, mostly when Sabrina is asleep and Bruce is at work or I am in the shower. I just feel so low. I feel like there is no end in sight.

Thanks to all of my friends who check up on me. I appreciate all of the well wishes and prayers. I am trying not to burden everyone with the everyday "poor me" feelings so that's one of the reasons I come here. If I get it all out here, I am not laying it on anyone else.

Come Monday, I will hopefully have an appointment with Dr. H and I can get this taken care of once and for all.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Something New Everyday

Yesterday I was feeling a bit light headed but I didn't pay it any mind because I was sitting down at the time. Later in the evening I was going down the hall to talk to Bruce and almost fell into the wall. A few minutes later I went down the hall to the bedroom to get him a towel for his shower and almost fell again. Luckily I caught myself on the door frame.

I hate this not knowing what is going on with my body. I am so scared that if I do indeed have MS that something will happen with my legs while I am the only one home with Sabrina. Luckily she is a growing girl and not a infant, so I know she can help me get to the phone or something in an emergency.

I only shower now when Bruce is home because the hot water makes the numbness in my arms and face worse. I leave the door unlocked so if anything happens he can get in there to help me. It's scary having to do these things to ensure my safety and that of my daughter.

Tonight, I ate dinner and then fell asleep in the recliner for almost four hours. I am still exhausted. If I hadn't gotten up to play around on Facebook I would probably have went right back to sleep. This is getting frustrating.

As of Saturday I will have been on the Synthroid for 4 weeks. If I don't have any relief to any of my symptoms by then I am calling my doctor on Monday to get an appointment and demanding he start looking at something other than my thyroid. Once I know for sure what is going on with me I can deal with it and the treatment that goes with it.

* * * * * *

The research on my new novel is coming along nicely. I should be able to take the next few days to plot out my characters and outline the plot. I'm still pretty excited about it. It would fulfill a dream to get it published even if it doesn't make a ton of money. I smile when I think about holding a book in my hand with my name on the cover.

My friends Stayc and Joe motivate me every single day, so I have to give them a huge thank you. They push me to write even when I want to slack off.

* * * * * *

If the weather is nice out tomorrow we are going to take Sabrina to the park so she can play on the playground and she can have a picnic with mommy and daddy. I figure I can take my notebook and get a little work done out in the warmth and the sun while she plays. I'll have to take the camera and get some pictures as well.

Until then.

Monday, March 26, 2012

New Book Idea

I was sitting at my desk thinking about the book that I was planning to write when I was struck completely out of the blue with a new idea. This idea is in the young adult genre which is completely different from what I normally write.

What started out as one little idea soon turned into four pages of notes on my notepad. Additional research provided about six more. I can probably turn this one little idea into a trilogy.

This idea had me so excited that my hands were practically shaking. I stayed up way too late doing research but the lack of sleep was well worth it. I know I am already too tired for the chronic fatigue I have been experiencing lately but I just couldn't stop. I had to force myself to walk away from the desk and computer.

I read over my notes from last night and am getting ready to get back on track. Hopefully today I can get started on characters and outlining the plot.

I am still so excited about this. I can't wipe the grin off my face. Even if these books never get published I will always remember the excitement. Not to mention that now I have a project that can help distract me from my illness, even if it is just for a few hours here and there.

I'll probably post more later.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out.

Last night around 10 p.m. I started having pain in my right eye when I move it. I had this happen before in 2007. I went to the ER then and they told me it was eyestrain. The two days following my eye got progressively worse to the point that I was almost completely blind in that eye.

Out of curiosity, I of course turned to Google again. I found this:

The picture at the top on the left is how my eye actually was in 2007. Then it of course got worse. My eye is no where near that bad right now but it scares me that it might go down that road again.

If my eye gets any worse in the slightest way, I am calling my doctor and demanding an MRI. I don't care if is shows anything or not, I need to have some peace of mind. Those creepy crawly sensations were bugging my nose earlier. The first time it freaked me out cause I thought a bug was on my face and going to crawl up my nose. CREEPY!

* * * * * *

Sabrina has had a cold for a couple of days but she finally seems to be on the mend. She still has a cough, and is still sleeping a lot, but she has more energy and her appetite is back. The only good part about her being sick is that she wants a lot of cuddle time. Nothing makes me happier than hugging and cuddling with my little girl.

* * * * * *

I had a nice conversation with my friend Cindy last night. She has always been like a big sister to me and she understands a lot of how I feel about things without me actually having to verbalize them. It was good to just talk to her and get a fresh take on things.

I can't, of course, leave out my friends Joe, Stayc, and Vicki. Joe is always ready with some funny comment or sick, twisted story (which he knows I love) in an attempt to cheer me up. Stayc is my witty Australian friend. She likes to do research for me and she reads my attempts at writing a novel. Her accent when she curses at people never fails to make me laugh. She sounds so bad ass. Vicki is one of my closest friends. She lets me vent to her and never tells me to shut up. She's also the one who introduced me to Bruce.

Part of why I started this blog is to be able to vent and get things off of my chest and not have to pile it all on Bruce or my friends. Part is to motivate myself to write every day. I hope it will kick start my second book. Part is just for me. Part is to maybe help someone else out there who may be going through the same things and know that they are not alone in the world.

Comments, good or bad, are always welcome.

More soon.

Saturday, March 24, 2012


I am in limbo and it's frustrating and maddening and annoying. It makes me angry and depressed. It makes it hard for me to find joy in the little things.

In the end of January/beginning of February, I noticed this weird numbness traveling from my right foot up to my right hip. It was very sensitive to the touch and if I put anything cold on the numb areas it felt like they were on fire. I assumed I had pinched a nerve until my vision started getting blurry. My first thought, since I am not the healthiest woman, is that it was probably diabetes. I figured if it was diabetes my sugar was so high it was affecting my nerves and my eyesight. I also had pretty horrible fatigue.

I made an appointment with one of the doctors in my primary care office. Dr. NH sent me for some blood work. I was tested for diabetes, thyroid, anemia, and abnormal blood counts. (I also had my coumadin level checked as I am on that for life but that is a different story.) No diabetes, no anemia, no abnormal blood count. My thyroid was slightly abnormal but she didn't feel it was anything to worry about and was going to do a recheck in 6 weeks. Since she told me not to worry about it, I didn't.

The fatigue got worse. Much worse. I could sleep a good six or seven hours, get out of bed, do some things around the house and if I sat down for longer than fifteen minutes I would fall right back asleep. Then the numbness in my hands started. Both hands are stiff, numb, occasionally tingly. I figured it was carpal tunnel syndrome.

March 2nd I went back to the doctor for a one month follow up. By this time my hands and forearms were numb. My entire torso from breasts to waist and around to my back were also numb. It feels almost like I spent a week wearing a shirt five sizes too small and just took it off. When I nod my head forward I get this weird shocking sensation across my lower back and the tops of my feet.

I saw Dr. SH this time. He was really nice and listened to all I had to say. I told him how I had Googled my symptoms and instead of telling me that I was dumb and I shouldn't do that, he said it was good that I was asking questions. I told him that I thought I had MS. He disagreed. He said that looking at my thyroid lab being slightly abnormal that he thought it was the thyroid causing my body to go all crazy. He said that he wanted to treat that first, and if need be, rule that out as a cause of my problems. Rather than go through a ton of expensive testing that might be useless, we were going to try thyroid medication. (Irregardless of anything else, my thyroid is screwed up and needs to be treated.)

The next day I started on Synthroid. The numbness at that point spread up the left side of my neck and behind my ear.

March 5: Numbness spread up both sides of my neck and the bottom edges of both ears.
March 7: Numbness spread down my neck into my shoulders. I can still lift my arms up but they both feel heavy.
March 14: Both ears are almost completely numb. Both sides of my face along my jawline are numb now too.
March 18: My right cheek is almost completely numb and the right corner of my mouth as well. My middle finger and ring finger of my right hand are more numb than usual.

I discovered that hot showers or hot water in general make my hands, arm, and facial numbness worse. They seem to go back to a normal level of numbness about a half hour after my shower.

Today I started feeling a sensation in my arm like I had laid it down on the desk and it was wet. It wasn't and neither was my arm. I keep getting a creepy crawly sensation on my legs like a bug is crawling on me. There is never a bug and it isn't constant.

Everything I keep reading points to MS. My doctor wants to give this medicine time to get fully in my system. As of today I have been on it three weeks and the medicine takes four to six weeks to get to a therapeutic level.

Not one of my symptoms have even slightly changed since starting this medication. This leaves me to believe that I really do have MS or something else.

I am so tired of being tired all the time. This not knowing for sure, not having a 100% sure diagnosis, is driving me crazy. It's making me angry, ultra-sensitive, more depressed. Dr. SH might have to up my happy pill dose. I cry a lot. Usually in the shower or when Bruce isn't home. I don't want him to see how scared and worried I am.

I just want to know once and for all what is wrong with me so I can get to the business of dealing with it. I am tired of being in limbo.

Friday, March 23, 2012


Welcome to my little corner of the world. My name is Jennifer, Jenn to my friends, and I am 34 years old. I am mommy to a beautiful three year old girl named Sabrina. I am engaged to a pretty decent guy named Bruce.

I like to write, and have managed to finish one complete (unpublished) novel. I love to cook, paint, make jewelry, and read. I read a lot. I have a head full of useless knowledge because of it.

I am not perfect and never claimed to be. I do not strive to be either. I just want to be the best daughter, mother, soon-to-be wife, sister, and friend that I can be. Sometimes I fail in those things. Badly, I might add.

Even if no one ever reads this or never even comments, I am going to try my best to write here everyday. I am sure there might even be two or three posts a day at times, depending on my mood or what is going on in my life.

I warn you. Sometimes I curse. Sometimes I express my opinion a little too vocally. I am sure to offend people at some point. If you choose not to read, that is fine. I am writing this for me. If I entertain you or make you laugh or inspire you, please leave a comment. If I piss you off or offend you, feel free to leave a comment too.

I think that is all I have to say for now.