One Step Closer

I find the answers aren't so clear

Wish I could find a way to disappear

All these thoughts they make no sense

I find bliss in ignorance

Nothing seems to go away

Over and over again

~~"One Step Closer" by Linkin Park

I didn't post anything yesterday cause I felt so crappy. My arms were more than numb yesterday, they were actually achy.

Every morning when I wake up I lay there thinking, "Will I feel normal today? Will the numbness be gone today?" It is never gone. It is always there. I have forgotten what normal feels like. The only thing that has gotten better is the pain in my eye. It's still blurry but not that painful anymore.

You women know when you are in the shower and you lift up your leg to shave it or wash it and set your foot on the edge of the tub? I can't do that with my right leg anymore. I braved taking a shower last night while home by myself (well with Sabrina). I left the door open and the cell phone on top of the lowered toilet lid just in case. Of course the heat of the hot water made my body numbness worse. In my right hand it was bad to the point that I couldn't feel my pinky at all. Anyway, when I put my leg up on the tub to shave, it got all shaky and almost slipped off tub. Not good. Looks like I will be sitting on the edge of the tub to shave my legs from now on. TMI? Maybe.

As usual, the numbness went back to the "normal" numbness within an hour of getting out of the shower. It's crazy to me that any level of numbness can be considered normal.

The creepy crawly and "wet" sensations continue. Day before yesterday I felt like I had spilled water down my left leg but of course I hadn't. Today I have this crawling bug feeling in my left ankle. I keep having to reach down and rub my skin because I can't get myself to believe it's not a bug.

Tomorrow will be four weeks on the Synthroid and while my thyroid needs to be medicated, it has become clear to me that the thyroid is not the cause of the numbness, fatigue, and blurry vision. If something miraculously doesn't get better over the weekend I am calling the doctor first thing Monday morning for an appointment.

I can't continue like this. Feeling like this for two months with no resolution is wearing on my nerves. It is making me more depressed and anxious and I hate it. It makes me very intolerant of the dumbness of other people. It makes me feel like little things that bother me are HUGE dramatic problems. I know now why some people with chronic illnesses commit suicide, because you just get so tired of feeling so badly.

I would never do that to Bruce, my daughter, my family, and my friends. I am already on an anti-depressant, and plan on asking the doctor for an increase in my dose until all of this gets under control. I cry a lot, mostly when Sabrina is asleep and Bruce is at work or I am in the shower. I just feel so low. I feel like there is no end in sight.

Thanks to all of my friends who check up on me. I appreciate all of the well wishes and prayers. I am trying not to burden everyone with the everyday "poor me" feelings so that's one of the reasons I come here. If I get it all out here, I am not laying it on anyone else.

Come Monday, I will hopefully have an appointment with Dr. H and I can get this taken care of once and for all.