Sunday, May 3, 2020

Ramblings

I have a lot to talk about so this may run a little long. This coronavirus pandemic is wearing on me and if it wasn't for my friends, and someone special, I don't know how I would be holding it together as well as I am.

I was laid off in mid-March from a job that I absolutely loved. I'm hoping that when the governor lifts his restrictions and the kid's daycare re-opens that I can return to work. It's been my goal to work my way up in the company and this virus threw a wrench in my plans. A lot of my plans, actually.

I need to get my car repaired. I need to keep working on my credit so I can plan to buy a house of our own instead of renting. I'd like to possibly take some college courses. With the encouragement of that someone special, I'm editing my book and am going to attempt to have it submission ready by the end of the year.

I also have some legal things to take care of. Two things that I am very emotional and angry about. Child support and custody. 

I filed for child support in 2018, and they still have not served the father of my children. Until he is served, he accrues arrears, but until I get a court order I don't even know how much that will be. I haven't filed for custody yet because at the time we broke up we were still living in the same household and then I had my mental health issues. There just wasn't the chance.

He and I never had that explosive break up fight so I never really let go of all the anger I have felt and it's just built over the years. Now it's been popping out in random ways. I cry a lot and my heart hurts for my kids but I'm also beyond pissed off.

He has not spoken to my children since October 2018. I never expected him to, but I had this tiny thought that maybe, JUST MAYBE, with a pandemic going on that he would seize the opportunity to reach out and repair the relationship with his children. As of right now it hasn't happened and I'm sure it never will. 

My son is seven now and he will occasionally say "I miss my dad." at random times. This tears my heart open because he hasn't figured out that his father wants nothing to do with them like his older sister has. Whereas she knows the deal with him and never even asks about him, all he remembers is the fun dad.

I am just so angry. He has not contributed a penny toward their care. He's not sent so much as a text or email to check on their well being. How can someone just go through life with children and not wonder how they are doing? How can you just live your life like you have zero responsibilities?

I'm no hero. I'm a single mom like many other single moms out there. I may have floundered in the past and made my own mistakes but I try every day to make sure that I can be the best mom I can be. I do it all myself and I do my best not to whine or complain. I don't talk crap about their dad in front of them. I have NEVER denied him contact with them.

I know part of it is the pandemic but I am tired. I'm exhausted. I'm with my kids 24/7, and I am doing everything on my own like I have been for the past few years (with the exception of the darker times and family assistance). Since there is no school and I'm not working, our routine has changed and I have not been sleeping well.

Morning comes and my son wakes me. We have some cuddle time and eventually my daughter wakes up and then it's breakfast. Then online meetings/story time/classes for school. Then it's lunch. Then more activities/assignments for school. Playtime outside. I do crafts sometimes while they do computer work. Dinner, some TV, bath time, bed time.

I'm the mom and it's my job to do it all. I'm just tired. Weary in a way I haven't been in a long time. I'll keep pushing like most all single moms do and make it happen. I say single moms but single dads too. They know the struggle.

And dammit, I am angry!! I am pissed off!! I did not make these kids by myself but I'm surely handling it all by myself!! I cannot wait til the pandemic is over so I can take him to court. He may not want to be involved with his children but his wallet surely will be!

Until then I just keep pushing. I'm not looking for perfect but one day we will all be happier and stable. Just push.