One Step Closer

I find the answers aren't so clear

Wish I could find a way to disappear

All these thoughts they make no sense

I find bliss in ignorance

Nothing seems to go away

Over and over again

~~"One Step Closer" by Linkin Park

I didn't post anything yesterday cause I felt so crappy. My arms were more than numb yesterday, they were actually achy.

Every morning when I wake up I lay there thinking, "Will I feel normal today? Will the numbness be gone today?" It is never gone. It is always there. I have forgotten what normal feels like. The only thing that has gotten better is the pain in my eye. It's still blurry but not that painful anymore.

You women know when you are in the shower and you lift up your leg to shave it or wash it and set your foot on the edge of the tub? I can't do that with my right leg anymore. I braved taking a shower last night while home by myself (well with Sabrina). I left the door open and the cell phone on top of the lowered toilet lid just in case. Of course the heat of the hot water made my body numbness worse. In my right hand it was bad to the point that I couldn't feel my pinky at all. Anyway, when I put my leg up on the tub to shave, it got all shaky and almost slipped off tub. Not good. Looks like I will be sitting on the edge of the tub to shave my legs from now on. TMI? Maybe.

As usual, the numbness went back to the "normal" numbness within an hour of getting out of the shower. It's crazy to me that any level of numbness can be considered normal.

The creepy crawly and "wet" sensations continue. Day before yesterday I felt like I had spilled water down my left leg but of course I hadn't. Today I have this crawling bug feeling in my left ankle. I keep having to reach down and rub my skin because I can't get myself to believe it's not a bug.

Tomorrow will be four weeks on the Synthroid and while my thyroid needs to be medicated, it has become clear to me that the thyroid is not the cause of the numbness, fatigue, and blurry vision. If something miraculously doesn't get better over the weekend I am calling the doctor first thing Monday morning for an appointment.

I can't continue like this. Feeling like this for two months with no resolution is wearing on my nerves. It is making me more depressed and anxious and I hate it. It makes me very intolerant of the dumbness of other people. It makes me feel like little things that bother me are HUGE dramatic problems. I know now why some people with chronic illnesses commit suicide, because you just get so tired of feeling so badly.

I would never do that to Bruce, my daughter, my family, and my friends. I am already on an anti-depressant, and plan on asking the doctor for an increase in my dose until all of this gets under control. I cry a lot, mostly when Sabrina is asleep and Bruce is at work or I am in the shower. I just feel so low. I feel like there is no end in sight.

Thanks to all of my friends who check up on me. I appreciate all of the well wishes and prayers. I am trying not to burden everyone with the everyday "poor me" feelings so that's one of the reasons I come here. If I get it all out here, I am not laying it on anyone else.

Come Monday, I will hopefully have an appointment with Dr. H and I can get this taken care of once and for all.

Limbo

I am in limbo and it's frustrating and maddening and annoying. It makes me angry and depressed. It makes it hard for me to find joy in the little things.

In the end of January/beginning of February, I noticed this weird numbness traveling from my right foot up to my right hip. It was very sensitive to the touch and if I put anything cold on the numb areas it felt like they were on fire. I assumed I had pinched a nerve until my vision started getting blurry. My first thought, since I am not the healthiest woman, is that it was probably diabetes. I figured if it was diabetes my sugar was so high it was affecting my nerves and my eyesight. I also had pretty horrible fatigue.

I made an appointment with one of the doctors in my primary care office. Dr. NH sent me for some blood work. I was tested for diabetes, thyroid, anemia, and abnormal blood counts. (I also had my coumadin level checked as I am on that for life but that is a different story.) No diabetes, no anemia, no abnormal blood count. My thyroid was slightly abnormal but she didn't feel it was anything to worry about and was going to do a recheck in 6 weeks. Since she told me not to worry about it, I didn't.

The fatigue got worse. Much worse. I could sleep a good six or seven hours, get out of bed, do some things around the house and if I sat down for longer than fifteen minutes I would fall right back asleep. Then the numbness in my hands started. Both hands are stiff, numb, occasionally tingly. I figured it was carpal tunnel syndrome.

March 2nd I went back to the doctor for a one month follow up. By this time my hands and forearms were numb. My entire torso from breasts to waist and around to my back were also numb. It feels almost like I spent a week wearing a shirt five sizes too small and just took it off. When I nod my head forward I get this weird shocking sensation across my lower back and the tops of my feet.

I saw Dr. SH this time. He was really nice and listened to all I had to say. I told him how I had Googled my symptoms and instead of telling me that I was dumb and I shouldn't do that, he said it was good that I was asking questions. I told him that I thought I had MS. He disagreed. He said that looking at my thyroid lab being slightly abnormal that he thought it was the thyroid causing my body to go all crazy. He said that he wanted to treat that first, and if need be, rule that out as a cause of my problems. Rather than go through a ton of expensive testing that might be useless, we were going to try thyroid medication. (Irregardless of anything else, my thyroid is screwed up and needs to be treated.)

The next day I started on Synthroid. The numbness at that point spread up the left side of my neck and behind my ear.

March 5: Numbness spread up both sides of my neck and the bottom edges of both ears.

March 7: Numbness spread down my neck into my shoulders. I can still lift my arms up but they both feel heavy.

March 14: Both ears are almost completely numb. Both sides of my face along my jawline are numb now too.

March 18: My right cheek is almost completely numb and the right corner of my mouth as well. My middle finger and ring finger of my right hand are more numb than usual.

I discovered that hot showers or hot water in general make my hands, arm, and facial numbness worse. They seem to go back to a normal level of numbness about a half hour after my shower.

Today I started feeling a sensation in my arm like I had laid it down on the desk and it was wet. It wasn't and neither was my arm. I keep getting a creepy crawly sensation on my legs like a bug is crawling on me. There is never a bug and it isn't constant.

Everything I keep reading points to MS. My doctor wants to give this medicine time to get fully in my system. As of today I have been on it three weeks and the medicine takes four to six weeks to get to a therapeutic level.

Not one of my symptoms have even slightly changed since starting this medication. This leaves me to believe that I really do have MS or something else.

I am so tired of being tired all the time. This not knowing for sure, not having a 100% sure diagnosis, is driving me crazy. It's making me angry, ultra-sensitive, more depressed. Dr. SH might have to up my happy pill dose. I cry a lot. Usually in the shower or when Bruce isn't home. I don't want him to see how scared and worried I am.

I just want to know once and for all what is wrong with me so I can get to the business of dealing with it. I am tired of being in limbo.