Wednesday, November 20, 2019

What do you...?


My lovely friend Edward posted this on Twitter today. (His blog is linked on the list at the side, he has posted some deliciously naughty NSFW stories that you should check out.) It made me think for a while and I realized that I couldn't respond in just a tweet alone. So here we are.

What do you want to do?

I want to provide a stable and healthy home for my children. We've technically been considered homeless off and on for over a year. We are finally in our own home and settling into a routine. Things may not be perfect, and really what life is perfect, but things are definitely improving in a lot of aspects of our lives. I want them to make them happy again.

I want to get back to writing. This blog is a start. The book I'm working on and the books I am reviewing are another. I am reclaiming the parts of me that I shut down to make someone else happy and working towards making myself happy again a priority. Writing has always brought me peace and joy and I'm excited to get to work.

What do you want to know?

I want to know more about myself and my mental illness. I've been diagnosed mith Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. I've always been curious about how the mind works and I once thought about pursuing a career in psychology or even counseling. I want to know more about myself so I can understand why I do the things I do, why my brain tries to trick me with false narratives, and why I sometimes self-sabotage. I really need to continue with therapy and meds and see what I can discover about myself.

What do you want to love?

I love my children. That's a given.

Most of all I want to love myself. I want to bring back the happier version of me. I spent ten years living the life someone wanted me to live instead of living my life for me. I stopped doing things I enjoyed because it annoyed him and all I ever wanted to do was keep him happy so he wouldn't ever leave.

He left anyway.

All the blame is not on him. He contributed for sure, but so did my mental illness. My history. My choices and decisions. My lack of self esteem and self worth. A million little things that just accumulated into one big mess that was me.

All that being said, I also want to love again. I crave touch and affection like a plant craves water. I miss having quiet nights cuddled on the couch. I miss naughty texts during the day while you're both at work. I miss the long, hard hugs that I could just bury my face in.

Maybe I shouldn't even consider falling in love right now as things aren't always the greatest. My life is chaotic and I have my moments where I am a total mess. Is it right to bring someone in to that?

Really though, when is the right moment? How long should I wait for that?

I want to love LOVE again.

Tuesday, November 12, 2019

Pretty in Pink

About two years ago I was in the grocery store and came across a clearance display of plants. Most were wilted and dry and probably going to end up in the trash can. I found a mostly dead zygocactus (Christmas cactus) and took pity and bought it. I knew my fiance would have something to say about wasting money but I didn't care.

I took it home, pulled off the dead pieces, and gave the poor thirsty thing some water. It drank it up in seconds so I added more. I checked on the little plant every day, probably over watering it at first but I really wanted it to live.

After a few days of TLC and a comfy new spot in the kitchen window I noticed that it looked to be a healthier shade of green. The leaves weren't as wilted. The soil was actually retaining water. My efforts were making a difference. It actually started to show new growth.

I nursed that cactus for two years. It got bigger and bigger and eventually needed a new pot. I was a bit frustrated because I knew that these particular cacti bloomed at least once a year, if not twice, around Christmas and Easter. No matter what I did it would not bloom. I talked to it, alternated light and shadow, watered it. It was large and healthy but no blooms.

It didn't matter. I still loved it. At the time that cactus was one of few things in my life that I had a little bit of control over.

My fiance and I split in October 2017. We cohabited in the same house until the end of February 2018.

In the middle of March 2018, that cactus bloomed! Little pink buds appeared and I held my breath that I would get full blooms. One day I came home from work and got my wish. Full, beautiful pink flowers. Two at first and as the days passed more cropped up.

Now I know part of what I will say was due to the situation and emotions at the time but I took the blooming as a sign of sorts. That finally, with the abusive toxicity from my ex out of my life, the plant had the positive environment it needed to finally bloom. Maybe I could finally bloom too.

Other things happened after that. I had a decline in my mental health. The kids and I lost our home. Somewhere along the way I had to give up my cactus. We lived in a hotel for a time, then with family, then hotel living again. Things have been really rough for us. I've wanted to throw in the towel a million times but with some help along the way I kept going.

As of September 30, the kids and I are in our own place. An apartment, though in reality it's more like a townhouse. My kids have their own bedrooms and privacy. Their own beds. We have a little bit of hand-me-down furniture but the rest will come in time. It's still a bit of a struggle but we will make it through.

On Saturday I dropped my daughter off at her BFF's house and took my son to the grocery store to get some lunch and dinner. Right inside they have their plant endcap. I looked over and see a cactus. Yes, another Christmas cactus, this one with blossoms already budding. I hesitated on buying it. $3 and I hemmed and hawed over it because really, things are tight and $3 could be used on something that was a NEED.

Tears welled up and I knew I had to get it. NOT because I WANTED it. I NEEDED it for what it represented. New cactus, new home, better life, better me. $3 and it made me inordinately happy. Even writing this I am a little teary eyed because I feel like our little family is on the verge of being great again. It will be hard and it will be just the three of us plus the cactus (it really needs a name) but we'll survive.

If the cactus has taught me anything it's that even if you're ready to give up, if you get the right help and TLC, one day you'll bloom again.

Thursday, October 24, 2019

Resurrection

Hey all, Jenn here. The last few years have been chaotic to say the least. I'm 41 now, single, and doing the single mom thing. I'll probably touch on things here and there.

I'm getting back in to writing again. I never really stopped completely but I put large parts of my life on hold for someone else and now I'm reclaiming everything I squashed down. I have a book review blog that I'm bringing back to life as well. You can find it here: https://shiningstarreviews.blogspot.com/ .

I've been approved for three books to review so once I get them read they will be posted. This blog here will be for my writing and life adventures. Along with the reviews I plan to do NaNoWriMo this year. I'll hopefully be talking about that a lot intermixed with life updates and just some general fun.

I hope you enjoy it here. Please, please leave a comment even if its just to say hello. You can also connect with me on my Twitter account: @farfromperfekt . I also have an author Facebook page that can be found here: https://www.facebook.com/authorjennifergarnick/ .

A sample chapter of a previous work in progress has been posted there. Please give the page a like, a read, and comment. I love interaction.

More updates to come. I'm back and I'm not leaving this time.

Xo, Jenn