Surgery and Life

 I got the call from the surgeon's office the other day. After some discussion, pre-admission testing will be done on January 4, 2021 and surgery will be done on January 5, 2021. This will be done by Dr. Toyota at Temple University Hospital. This also means that I got my wish and I get to have Christmas with my kids with no issues.

I thought that finally having a date would be a relief and I could make plans but all it has done thus far is ramp up my anxiety. All I can think of is the surgery to the point where I cry. I need to focus on my kids and getting my Christmas plans in gear. I want their day to be special, not Mommy all depressed in the corner.

My friend Preston assures me that I will be fine. He tells me that as long as he has known me (since high school) that I get thrown difficult situations. I usually fall down, plan a comeback, and then get up and push through everything thrown at me. He says that it makes me incredibly strong. I just need to find that strength.

Work is going well however I'm, of course, worried about how long I am going to be out for recovery. I'm also worried about possible accomodations that I may have to have afterwards, like oxygen. I want to be able to do my job to the best of my ability. Everything is up in the air right now.

I think that all the uncertainty is part of what is effecting my anxiety.

The kids are back home with me and it's meant the world having them here. We worked as a team yesterday to get the living room straightened up and we put up our Christmas tree. They kindly informed me that we don't have enough ornaments and we need more so that's on deck for today. We are also finishing up decorating elsewhere in the house.

Right now, Christmas is my focus. My kids are my focus. My bear is my focus. He's been helping look ahead to the healthy future I will have. He means more to me than I can put into words right now.

The surgery has to fall to the background. Present, and attended to, but not my primary concern. I can do this.

I'm Back!

I apologize for disappearing. Things have just been up and down and busy since I found out about the baby. I have so many appointments and doctors to see it's mind boggling. I carry a binder with me whenever I leave the house now because I forget things. Some of the websites call it "pregnancy brain" I call it busy mommy syndrome. 


So Dr. D, the endocrinologist confirmed that I do have Vitamin D deficiency. He started me on Vitamin D pills (vitamins, duh) once a day. He wanted to treat me more aggressively but he can't because of the little bean in my uterus. I've been on them for about two weeks now, and feel no changes in the numbness in my hands.


A lot of my other symptoms have resolved, and before I started the Vitamin D. This makes me wonder what was going on. I think it may be possible that IF it is MS, then I had a flare up of symptoms and it is over. Just because my thyroid is messed up, and my vitamin D level is messed up, doesn't mean I am going to stop pursuing what is wrong with me. I fully intend to keep on after my doctor's. If this means I have to wait for the symptoms to return, or to demand an MRI after the baby is born, I am content with that. 


Once I make some phone calls later this afternoon, I will be under the care of six different physicians. If one of them can figure out what is wrong with my body, I will be happy. I'll be seeing my primary care doc, fetal-maternal medicine doc (for high risk pregnancies), my regular OBGYN,  my endocrinologist, my cardiologist, and soon my hematologist. The worst part about having all these appointments is not having a car. I spend a lot of time walking to bus stops, riding the bus, then waiting for the bus after my appointment. 


That's life. Maybe one day we will be able to afford a car. I consider us blessed that I can afford to ride the bus and don't have to walk everywhere that I have to go. The one good thing about the bus rides and waiting at bus stops is that with my binder in hand, I always keep extra paper so I can jot down notes on the new book(s?).


I only have three chapters down but it's my goal to have at least three more done by Friday. The book isn't going to write itself. I intend to post more here as well. It's therapeutic for me in a way. I can get out a lot of my thoughts without burdening my friends with a book length conversation.


The other things going on with me are emotional. I stopped my antidepressant, due to being pregnant, and that combined with hormones have been making me extra emotional at times. My mood swings are horrendous. Some days, EVERY little thing angers me. Other days, I spend a lot of time crying over stupid things. Some such things being some of my friends.


It has come to my attention that some of my friends and I are not as close as we used to be. Because I have a child, and another on the way, I can't hang out and party like I used to be able to. This has affected some of my friendships. Lately I find myself angered that I am not invited to a party or a get together. I want to rage at them that just because I can't drink doesn't mean that I can't hang out and have a good time.


One night I was feeling particularly down so I started posting some of my feelings on Facebook. I didn't name any names, I just made several comments about how I was feeling and how I was being treated by certain people. Several of my friends called or texted just to see what was up. The ones that I was really looking forward to hearing from never contacted me. I guess that is all the proof I need that it is time to let them go.


It hurts because these are people that I considered to be part of my family. I guess it's true what they say, people come in your life for a certain amount of time. You learn from them and then at some point some of them move on. Some stay.


I really cherish the ones that have stayed. They mean way more to me than they will ever know.