Friendship

I was wondering if anyone else has gone through the same types of things with their friends that I do with mine. Do you ever have friends who treat you like you are a friend of convenience? For example, when their lives aren't going as perfectly as they would like you hear from them every single day. Phone calls, texts, emails, and IMs, all to talk about their problems.


Of course you sit and listen because that is what friends do. You offer advice. You tell them about your own experiences with a similar situation. Then things start going well for your friend and they just disappear. The phone calls, texts, etc. just drop off until they dwindle into nothing. Your texts or calls to them go un-returned. Finally you give up trying, but then the next crisis pops up in their life and they are right back being your best friend. What do you do in this situation? Go ahead and act like nothing is wrong? 


Then there are your friends who are your best buddy when they are single, but then when they get a man (or a woman, I have had male friends do this as well) in their lives, it suddenly becomes all about their significant other. I know how it feels to be involved in that all consuming love, especially at the beginning, but do you drop your friends because of it? You may not hear anything from this person for weeks or months at a time, but let them have a fight with their significant other and you are their best buddy again.


I am not the type of person who needs their friends up their ass 24/7. I understand everyone has their own life and their own things going on. I just don't appreciate being told that I am like family to them, and then they just drop out of my life for months at a time or avoid me. If I am taking the time to text you or email you or even dropping you a message on Facebook to ask how you are doing, the least you can do is reply. Don't only contact me when your life is going to shit or you simply want something from me. That is not a friendship.


Have any of you readers gone through something similar? How did you handle it? Suggestions and advice are appreciated. I like all comments-good, bad, or ugly.

*  *  *  *  *  *

Health Update: I saw Dr. SG yesterday. My chest x-ray showed no pneumonia but showed pulmonary hypertension. I am already being treated for that by my cardiologist. She still thinks all my other problems are my thyroid. Rather than getting upset about it, or crying about it, or having my head explode in frustration, I have decided to just be patient. I am already scheduled to see the endocrinologist on May 9th, which is a little over two weeks away. I am going to see what he has to say and go from there. I am going to do my best to not stress myself out until there is something definite to stress about.

*  *  *  *  *  *

Writing Update: I have my character names picked out, and I did a little work on some character back story. I needed to understand why certain characters had such and intense hatred for each other and now that I got it figured out, I can start writing the book. Such a simple thing was holding me back from getting started. I'm relieved I figured it out.

As I said, comments are always welcome.

It's MY blog and I'll whine if I want to

I took a few days off from blogging because I felt like I was whining too much. Then I really thought about it and you know what? It's MY blog and if I want to whine I will whine. People don't have to read it.


I feel like some people get offended when they ask how I am feeling and I tell them that I feel like crap. I try to be positive. I try not to complain about how tired I am or how lousy I feel. There are just some days that I don't feel like plastering a smile on my face and saying I am fine when I am not.


The weather is getting warmer here and it's affecting how I am feeling. If I get too warm, my fatigue level goes through the roof. My hands feel more uncoordinated. My arms and legs feel heavy. It affects my concentration as well. 


I tried so hard to go without putting the air conditioning on today. I made it to 6:30pm before I gave in and turned it on. I just couldn't seem to catch my breath. I put my head down on my desk for a second and promptly fell asleep. Luckily it was less than five minutes. 


I think the shower I took last night was too hot as well. My arms were ultra heavy, and this time around I had jelly legs. When I finished I had to sit on the edge of the tub to catch my breath. I got out of the bathroom into the cool living room and chugged down some cold iced tea. 


I am so tired of this. I just want to be normal again.


I see the doctor again on Monday for a follow up of my chest x-ray. (See previous entry...the follow up makes no sense.) I am bringing in a list of my symptoms that these doctors are going to scan into my chart. Maybe seeing the list in black and white will make them finally listen to me.

*  *  *  *  *  *

I got the outline done for my new book. Once I get my character names and a mini family tree sorted out, I will be ready to write. It should have already been done, but as I said above, my concentration and focus have been shot the past couple of days.

It's pouring down rain outside and the temperature has already dropped so hopefully tomorrow I will be comfortable and able to concentrate. I will be extremely happy to get started. Maybe it can distract me from everything else.

"Writing is the best way to talk without being interrupted." ~ Jules Renard

Inspiration

Lately I have been inspired mostly by music, but I must admit I am inspired by art as well. My new book is going to be about fairies. Yes, the beautiful winged creatures. I know some people would shake their heads at that but that's their opinion.


I love fairy art works and even own a few prints and posters. Amy Brown, Anne Stokes, Selina Fenech....the list goes on and on.


I do want to put a link here:  http://selinafenech.com/selinas-books/fairy-art-books/

This is Selina's newest art book, and as you can see from the cover, not all of it is fairies. She does really beautiful work.


The song that is currently inspiring me is "Close Your Eyes" by Christophe Beck. It captures one of the emotions I was looking for and I have it on repeat at the moment. I change up my music depending on the tone of the scene I want to write. This song just moves me. Bonus points to whoever remembers the TV show this was used in. 


I have a few more things to add to my outline today and then I can start Chapter One. I hope to finish the chapter today. Mini goal for myself. I should probably get to it. 


Tell me, what inspires you? Music? Art? Photographs? Let me know in the comments. 

Tired But Inspired

I had an appointment on Thursday with one of my primary care doctors. I saw Dr. SG this time around. First, I got some antibiotics and a chest x-ray for my cough. I don't have pneumonia or anything so that was a good thing. 


I tried to discuss my numbness problems with her but she didn't seem to want to hear what I had to say. She said that her opinion is to stay on the medication for a while longer, despite the fact that she confirmed that it only takes 4-6 weeks to get into your system. (Yesterday was five weeks.) I really don't believe that in one more week everything is going to mysteriously just go away.


I told her that based upon all of the research I have done my symptoms are spot on with MS. The look on her face was priceless. You would think that I had suddenly sprung three heads. She said,"Well, MS is VERY hard to diagnose." I told her I knew that from what I had read. I told her that I know that we have to rule out other things along the way. She just smiled at me like I was a child and said, "I think you should stay on the medication for a bit longer. It's not like MS is an emergency diagnosis. If you do have it, it is not going to go away."


Sure, it is not an emergency to her, but she doesn't live with what I do everyday. She didn't almost drop four or five eggs while dying them with her daughter because her grip is bad because of the numbness in her hands. She isn't afraid to take a shower while her fiance isn't home, just in case she gets weak from the heat and falls down in the bathroom. She doesn't have to shower with the door unlocked. She doesn't have to worry that if she takes her daughter to the park on a warm day that she will get too weak to walk home.


She wants me to follow up in regards to my cough in 1-2 weeks. A cough. A cough is the least of my worries and if it isn't gone in a week I am surely not going to wait two to be seen.


I think the best thing to do at this point is to call tomorrow and make an appointment with Dr. SH. At the very least, he listened to what I had to say, noted everything in my chart, and didn't make me feel stupid. She didn't write down any of my new symptoms.


On a slightly brighter note, I lost five pounds in a month. I am on the right track in that department at least.

*  *  *  *  *  *

I found a song last night that just opened up the flood gates of inspiration. I played it over and over and the ideas just flowed out of me. I love that music can do that for me. 

I am used to writing thriller/mystery type stories but this idea will be a young adult book. It has the possibility to be three books if I write it the right way. I am a little nervous about writing a young adult book as I know there are several things I have to tone down. The profanity for one. I have such a potty mouth sometimes and it sometimes leaks into my writing. 

Luckily I have my friend Stayc who has volunteered to be my test subject on this book (books?). She is amazing when it comes to pointing out things that I might have missed and even some grammar mistakes and spelling. She also isn't afraid to tell me when something isn't believable or if a character seems a little flat. I love that I can trust her to tell me the truth and not sugarcoat it just cause she doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

I am almost finished my outline. I am off to play my song a few more times, get the outline done, and possibly start the first chapter. I am really excited and inspired.

Happy Easter!

Fun with My Daughter

I went to the doctor yesterday. I am not too happy with what happened but I don't want to write about it today.


I love my daughter. Sabrina is becoming a beautiful, sassy, smart, opinionated little girl. She is getting much better with talking and we practice numbers and words every day. She loves to draw and she loves doing anything crafty with me. It pleases me because I love doing new projects and used to love doing arty things with my mother and now she is doing the same with me.


Today we dyed Easter eggs. Granted this is not such a major undertaking but after we colored them we decorated them. We got out a marker, glue dots, and glitter and had a grand old time.


Her smile and enthusiasm make me smile and forget that I am not feeling very well these days. When all the work on the eggs were done, my hands were more numb than usual, but it was all worth it. 


We had a good day. I hope we have many more to come.

Before decorating

Froggy

Glittery dots

The smile that makes me keep going.

One Step Closer

I find the answers aren't so clear

Wish I could find a way to disappear

All these thoughts they make no sense

I find bliss in ignorance

Nothing seems to go away

Over and over again

~~"One Step Closer" by Linkin Park

I didn't post anything yesterday cause I felt so crappy. My arms were more than numb yesterday, they were actually achy.

Every morning when I wake up I lay there thinking, "Will I feel normal today? Will the numbness be gone today?" It is never gone. It is always there. I have forgotten what normal feels like. The only thing that has gotten better is the pain in my eye. It's still blurry but not that painful anymore.

You women know when you are in the shower and you lift up your leg to shave it or wash it and set your foot on the edge of the tub? I can't do that with my right leg anymore. I braved taking a shower last night while home by myself (well with Sabrina). I left the door open and the cell phone on top of the lowered toilet lid just in case. Of course the heat of the hot water made my body numbness worse. In my right hand it was bad to the point that I couldn't feel my pinky at all. Anyway, when I put my leg up on the tub to shave, it got all shaky and almost slipped off tub. Not good. Looks like I will be sitting on the edge of the tub to shave my legs from now on. TMI? Maybe.

As usual, the numbness went back to the "normal" numbness within an hour of getting out of the shower. It's crazy to me that any level of numbness can be considered normal.

The creepy crawly and "wet" sensations continue. Day before yesterday I felt like I had spilled water down my left leg but of course I hadn't. Today I have this crawling bug feeling in my left ankle. I keep having to reach down and rub my skin because I can't get myself to believe it's not a bug.

Tomorrow will be four weeks on the Synthroid and while my thyroid needs to be medicated, it has become clear to me that the thyroid is not the cause of the numbness, fatigue, and blurry vision. If something miraculously doesn't get better over the weekend I am calling the doctor first thing Monday morning for an appointment.

I can't continue like this. Feeling like this for two months with no resolution is wearing on my nerves. It is making me more depressed and anxious and I hate it. It makes me very intolerant of the dumbness of other people. It makes me feel like little things that bother me are HUGE dramatic problems. I know now why some people with chronic illnesses commit suicide, because you just get so tired of feeling so badly.

I would never do that to Bruce, my daughter, my family, and my friends. I am already on an anti-depressant, and plan on asking the doctor for an increase in my dose until all of this gets under control. I cry a lot, mostly when Sabrina is asleep and Bruce is at work or I am in the shower. I just feel so low. I feel like there is no end in sight.

Thanks to all of my friends who check up on me. I appreciate all of the well wishes and prayers. I am trying not to burden everyone with the everyday "poor me" feelings so that's one of the reasons I come here. If I get it all out here, I am not laying it on anyone else.

Come Monday, I will hopefully have an appointment with Dr. H and I can get this taken care of once and for all.

Something New Everyday

Yesterday I was feeling a bit light headed but I didn't pay it any mind because I was sitting down at the time. Later in the evening I was going down the hall to talk to Bruce and almost fell into the wall. A few minutes later I went down the hall to the bedroom to get him a towel for his shower and almost fell again. Luckily I caught myself on the door frame.

I hate this not knowing what is going on with my body. I am so scared that if I do indeed have MS that something will happen with my legs while I am the only one home with Sabrina. Luckily she is a growing girl and not a infant, so I know she can help me get to the phone or something in an emergency.

I only shower now when Bruce is home because the hot water makes the numbness in my arms and face worse. I leave the door unlocked so if anything happens he can get in there to help me. It's scary having to do these things to ensure my safety and that of my daughter.

Tonight, I ate dinner and then fell asleep in the recliner for almost four hours. I am still exhausted. If I hadn't gotten up to play around on Facebook I would probably have went right back to sleep. This is getting frustrating.

As of Saturday I will have been on the Synthroid for 4 weeks. If I don't have any relief to any of my symptoms by then I am calling my doctor on Monday to get an appointment and demanding he start looking at something other than my thyroid. Once I know for sure what is going on with me I can deal with it and the treatment that goes with it.

* * * * * *

The research on my new novel is coming along nicely. I should be able to take the next few days to plot out my characters and outline the plot. I'm still pretty excited about it. It would fulfill a dream to get it published even if it doesn't make a ton of money. I smile when I think about holding a book in my hand with my name on the cover.

My friends Stayc and Joe motivate me every single day, so I have to give them a huge thank you. They push me to write even when I want to slack off.

* * * * * *

If the weather is nice out tomorrow we are going to take Sabrina to the park so she can play on the playground and she can have a picnic with mommy and daddy. I figure I can take my notebook and get a little work done out in the warmth and the sun while she plays. I'll have to take the camera and get some pictures as well.

Until then.