What do you...?

My lovely friend Edward posted this on Twitter today. (His blog is linked on the list at the side, he has posted some deliciously naughty NSFW stories that you should check out.) It made me think for a while and I realized that I couldn't respond in just a tweet alone. So here we are.

What do you want to do?

I want to provide a stable and healthy home for my children. We've technically been considered homeless off and on for over a year. We are finally in our own home and settling into a routine. Things may not be perfect, and really what life is perfect, but things are definitely improving in a lot of aspects of our lives. I want them to make them happy again.

I want to get back to writing. This blog is a start. The book I'm working on and the books I am reviewing are another. I am reclaiming the parts of me that I shut down to make someone else happy and working towards making myself happy again a priority. Writing has always brought me peace and joy and I'm excited to get to work.

What do you want to know?

I want to know more about myself and my mental illness. I've been diagnosed mith Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. I've always been curious about how the mind works and I once thought about pursuing a career in psychology or even counseling. I want to know more about myself so I can understand why I do the things I do, why my brain tries to trick me with false narratives, and why I sometimes self-sabotage. I really need to continue with therapy and meds and see what I can discover about myself.

What do you want to love?

I love my children. That's a given.

Most of all I want to love myself. I want to bring back the happier version of me. I spent ten years living the life someone wanted me to live instead of living my life for me. I stopped doing things I enjoyed because it annoyed him and all I ever wanted to do was keep him happy so he wouldn't ever leave.

He left anyway.

All the blame is not on him. He contributed for sure, but so did my mental illness. My history. My choices and decisions. My lack of self esteem and self worth. A million little things that just accumulated into one big mess that was me.

All that being said, I also want to love again. I crave touch and affection like a plant craves water. I miss having quiet nights cuddled on the couch. I miss naughty texts during the day while you're both at work. I miss the long, hard hugs that I could just bury my face in.

Maybe I shouldn't even consider falling in love right now as things aren't always the greatest. My life is chaotic and I have my moments where I am a total mess. Is it right to bring someone in to that?

Really though, when is the right moment? How long should I wait for that?

I want to love LOVE again.