The Rubber Band

 

On New Year's Eve, I found a rubber band in the doorway of my room. It was an ordinary one, thin and that pale beige color that's so common. I don't know how long it was sitting there, unnoticed, but I immediately smiled and got up to get it. Just in time too, as housekeeping had come along soon after to sweep and mop the floor.

You're probably wondering why I just didn't let them sweep it away. Would you believe that there is a sentimental reason behind a simple rubber band? Let me tell you about it.

When I was 18, I fell in love for real for the first time. His name was Lenny, and he was a few years older than me. To me, he was perfect. Attractive and ambitious, I met him in a retail store where we both worked. He worked there part time while going to college full time, majoring in music education. He was also a drummer in the university marching band. I was freshly graduated from high school and unsure of what I wanted to do in life.

He was friendly and outgoing and made friends wherever he went, but when approaching me to ask me out he was shy and quiet. It was his smile and earnestness that made me say yes. His smile was warm and infectious with a just a hint of mischief. Even now, thinking of his smile makes me sigh and smile myself.

We dated for two years, two years full of ups and downs and obstacles. I don't remember all the reasons why we broke up, and the ones I do remember will stay private. What I do know is that my heart was broken. My first real true love. My first real heartbreak.

We eventually reconnected and maintained an occasional friendship.  Facebook, which can be such a good and terrible place at the same time kept us connected and informed about each other's lives. I can still see his comments on Facebook memories from time to time.

I mentioned that he was a drummer. Well one thing he always had was a wrist full of rubber bands. It was a constant, and when I asked him about them he would just smile that smile and say, “It's a drummer thing. “

Even throughout other relationships, I felt deep down that we might get back together one day. I felt like that right up until the day he passed away in March of 2017.  He was 46 and died of diabetic complications affecting his heart after a procedure.

One thing I will always regret is not going to his memorial service to say goodbye. Unfortunately, the person I was in a relationship with at the time wouldn't allow me to go and I wasn't strong enough at that time to defy him. His comments and insults made me walk on eggshells and I didn't want to rock the boat.

Fast forward a few months to the end of that relationship and myself and my kids moving to Philadelphia. I was miserable and at a dark point in my life when one day i thought of Lenny. I would say that he was a spiritual man, but also didn't care who you worshipped. Whether it was Buddha or Odin or Allah or a mysterious higher power, he just wanted you to pray. Or more accurate, to P.U.S.H. Pray Until Something Happens.

I started praying, a lot. Several times a day asking for an omen or a sign to point me in the right direction to pull myself together. A few days later, I was walking back to the house after walking my kids to school and right on the sidewalk, I saw a rubber band. I smiled a rare smile and picked it up and  put it on my wrist and didn't think any more about it.

Until the next day, and the next rubber band. And the next. And the next. I soon had quite the collection and even the kids were spotting them on our walks. Sure, they could have been there the whole time, but who really knows?

I took it as a sign of sorts from Lenny. A sign of him saying hello and reminding me to keep PUSHing. I took steps to get myself together and didn't look back.

Now, when the end of my most recent obstacle (my surgery and long tecovery) is coming to an end, I find myself reflecting and having to make decisions and plans. I'm a little scared and uncertain about where I'm going or where I'll end up. I'm mentally in a better place this time around but I smiled and got teary eyed when I found that rubber band on New Year's Eve.

I still pray, and I will continue praying and try to have more faith in myself that I'm making the right choices. It may be silly but I feel the rubber band was another sign. A sign from a friend checking in and letting me know that things will be OK.

I love and miss you, Lenny. Message received.

Happy New Year

 Happy first day of 2023. Today was a quiet day for me, no physical therapy, so I didn't have much to do. I tried to write but I just wasn't feeling too inspired today. I suppose I could have edited one of my finished books but I wasn't really feeling that either. I'm hoping inspiration will strike me tomorrow. This blog still counts as writing though, right?

I don't want to do the traditional New Year's resolutions or the " new year, new me" stuff. I'm going to try my damnedest to keep pushing through things and be as kind as I can be. I'm obviously not perfect and have made my share of mistakes but I'm learning from them. Isn't that all we really can do?

My daughter's wish was granted by the Make a Wish Foundation. She's been in Florida for almost a week, experiencing Universal Studios and Harry Potter World. Her cancer has relapsed so they moved up her trip so she could have a fantastic experience before starting treatment. My hope for 2023 is that her cancer finally leaves her body. She, like many children, have already gone through enough.

I have one more surgery January 27th. After I heal up from that, I will have a little more physical and occupational therapy and then I will be clear to go home! It's been a long time coming but that's another story for a different day. God willing the surgery will be short and sweet and recovery will be swift.

The other day in therapy I walked. Two separate walks for 240 feet total with no assistance from a cane or a walker! I almost cried. Happy tears, mind you, but tears nonetheless. I walked a little like Frankenstein but dammit I walked! It was a great feeling after so long.

If you took the time to read this I hope that your new year brings you health, wealth, and happiness. Thank you for being my friend and thank you for reading. Stay tuned for more to come!

NaNoWriMo and Update

 Well, it's official, I "won" NaNoWriMo. 

Not only that but I surpassed the winning 50K goal and finished the first draft of my novel. The final word count is 71,997. The average thriller novel is between 70K to 90K so I feel I did a good job on the rough draft. I'm sure I'll get more words when I do edits.

I am following the advice of several writers and leaving the first draft alone for a month before jumping in to editing. This will give me fresh eyes for the story.

I've also been brainstorming an idea for a new novel but it's too soon ro share the details on that one. It feels exciting to be creating a new story. I hope it turns out to be a good one.

Things on the health front are moving along. I walked 230 feet with a cane the other day. I have one more surgery left to go. I have a consultation with the surgeon on the 13th. After the surgery I'll have a little bit more physical and occupational therapy and then I can go home!!

Home to my kids and my family. It's up in the air as to where I'm going to be living but I'm working on that too. Home. I can't wait.

Prologue: Murder, She Kinked

 

"911, what's your emergency?"

"Please send an ambulance! My friend, she's covered in blood and I don't think she's breathing! It looks like someone stabbed her!"

"What's your name and where are you calling from?" the dispatcher asked.

"Ava. Ava Samuels. We're at 3114 Forrest Avenue. Please hurry!!" Ava cried 

"Okay Ava, help is on the way. My name is Brenda and I need you to check on your friend. If she's not breathing you can start CPR."

"There's...there's so much blood. Oh Cassie, wake up!" Ava shook her best friend's arm but Cassie did not respond. She turned on the speaker phone and set the phone down on the floor next to Cassie. "What do I do?"

The dispatcher relayed the instructions for CPR and Ava started quickly, trying not to look at the wounds on Cassie's neck and body. "It's not working!" She could hear the sounds of an ambulance in the distance. "Please hurry!" She continued doing chest compressions.

It wasnt long before two EMTs came in through the door that she had left open. They entered the living room wheeling a stretcher. "Ma'am, my name is Brent. Please let me take over," one of the EMTs said gently.

Ava reluctantly moved away. "No pulse," the second EMT reported. She watched them working over Cassie and said a little prayer.

After what seemed like an eternity, the EMTs stopped working. They both looked at her with sad looks on their faces. That's when Ava knew Cassie was dead. Tears flowed down her face. Her best friend in the world was dead.

Someone had murdered her. 

Update

 My current work in progress (WIP) is coming along quite nicely. Word count stands at 60K+ and counting. The end of the book is within sight but there is a bit of book left to write.

On the health front, the end is within sight there as well. I had an imaging study on Monday and a pre-op procedure yesterday. The surgeon says it's a go for the last surgery. His office is supposed to call me to set the date.

Once that surgery is complete I will need a little more physical and occupational therapy and then I can be discharged from the rehab facility. It's been a damn long road since January 5, 2021. I've had numerous physical and mental challenges. I've overcome a lot to get to this point and it may be corny but I'm proud of myself.

I'm worried about leaving here. So many things have,changed since I've been ill. So much missed time with my children.

I'm excited to go home but unsure of the reception I will receive. I know I can handle life outside of rehab but I can't help but be scared. 

I guess we will wait and see what happens. I'll worry about the surgery first and the rest later.

Writing and NaNoWriMo

 Hello, it's me. I've gone through a hell of a time since my surgery on January 5, 2021. Long story is for another day, suffice to say I am currently living in a medical rehab facility and had to learn to walk again.

In some recent free time I have started writing again. My current work in progress is about a dominatrix that gets murdered and her best friend who is determined to find the killer. It's full of suspense and some sex and a bit of kink. Beta readers who have had a chance to read thus far have all had good things to say about it.

That brings me to the month of November also known as National Novel Writing Month or NaNoWriMo. This year I'm going to be a participant. My goal is for 50K words added on to my current work in progress which will being me to a finished novel.

So please, stick around. I'm going to be updating more frequently from now on and may even include some excerpts from my work in progress (WIP).

Thanks for reading!

Christmas

Ten days until surgery.

I got what I wanted for Christmas. I get to have surgery after the New Year and I got to spend Christmas with my kids. The only thing that would have made it better would have been to have my special someone with me, but Covid continues to delay that. He's worth the wait though.

The day was drama free for the most part which is a rarity for my family. The kids loved their gifts, and really loved the ones I got them, so I am ecstatic. 24 hours later and I'm still grinning.

I find myself staring at them or watching them and just soaking in all the moments I can. I feel surgery will go well but it has really made me slow down and look more around me and appreciate things. If I have learned nothing else from the experience I have definitely learned to take it a little slower and enjoy the little things.

Their father was no where to be found for another year in a row. I'm not surprised. He hasn't even spoken to them since October of 2018. He's pretty much abandoned them. I have accepted it and the kids are going to make their own decisions where he is concerned. Sabrina acts like she doesn't have a father at all.

I have never kept him from them or denied him access to them. This is his choice and he's going to have to live with it. As much as I hate the damage that he has done to them, I never bad mouth him to them. My friends hear all the insults I wish I could say. The kids will figure out what a selfish ass he is on their own.

I refuse to let him ruin my joy right now. I have a lot to be thankful for and two kids and a special man to love on and that's what I'm going to do. I hope your holidays have been great.